I loved Janet the moment I saw her. I was fourteen, hurling footballs in the park, when she walked up with my friends. She was new, just arrived from California. She needed help adjusting volleyball drills the East Coast, and I was the perfect person to help her.
We started out as friends. I introduced her to the local hang-outs....Roy's Pizza Parlor, Amy's Donut Shop, and the parks, where my friends liked to go. Janet was fun. She brought out the silly side of myself. She loved to feed the ducks, and I loved to chase her, around the large pond at Brandy Lake. She loved to ice skate, and I loved the rougher, sport of snow sledding, so we did both. Janet's family always had the hot chocolate ready, after a heady, winter's afternoon, with Janet.
Things changed when Janet and I first kissed, behind the bleachers at a basketball game. I felt my life spin out of control. when her soft lips met mine, the smell of her jasmine perfume, heating me with a tropical warmth, I'd never felt before. After that, all I could think of, was Janet.... Janet in the morning, Janet at lunch, and Janet before I fell asleep.
By the time I got to tenth grade, Janet accepted my ring. Everyone knew she was my girl. Janet and I were inseparable. We sought ways to be alone. Running around the lake, wasn't as much fun, as steaming up the car windows with her. She was warm and soft, and she was mine.
By the time we were both eighteen, we were engaged. Our parents were disappointed, but there was nothing they could do. We got married on my nineteeth birthday, on the lawn of my Aunt's lakeside house. It was a beautiful ceremony. It was the happiest day of my life.
Janet and I got along for the first twelve years of our marriage. Three children later, and a job that barely supported the family, and the stress started to crack our marriage. When our house mortgage fell behind, Janet and I argued. The arguing turned into constant bickering. Janet packed up the children and moved to her mother's house, several times. The last time she moved, she stayed. She refused to come home.
The divorce was simple. There was nothing to divide. Janet was good about sharing the kids. I wasn't bitter, just empty, where Janet had been. After a few years, the emptiness became numbness, like a scab forming over a wound. I walked around dazed for a few years, trying to make my life better. I returned to college, and got a good trade, so I could start my own business. I started to do well.
I was lonely. My friends wanted to fix me up. I tried a couple of blind dates, but I was surprised, to find myself comparing my dates to Janet. Nothing worked. I decided to see a counselor.
My counselor, Dr Adams, was a wise and compassionate person. He let me talk about Janet over and over. Finally, after the third session, he told me that I had built my life around her, and in many ways, my life had become dismantled when she left. He told me it was good I did not become an alcoholic or drug addict, as many divorced people did. Dr. Adams said I showed inner strength, by going back to school, and trying to better myself, instead.
Dr. Adams told me that accepting blind dates was putting pressure on myself, and my dates. It was natural, after such a long relationship with Janet, to compare her with other women. He said many people, who lost their wifes or husbands prematurely, tend to do the same thing. As a result, they have difficulty being intimate with others.
Dr. Adams helped me the most, by letting me realize, that a first love is a special love, and as such, it deserves to remain in one's heart. However, other relationships have good things to offer, too. For instance, compatibility ranks higher in relationships formed later in life. Companionship becomes the main attraction, and great partnerships, are formed as a result. Dr. Adams taught me a lot.
I looked back to the fun that first drew Janet and me together. It's true, we stopped enjoying each volleyball drills ocmpany over time. While I continued to love sports and the outdoors, Janet didn't. With the passing of time, she preferred books, and crafts projects, indoors. She stopped going out on cold winter days.
Dr. Adams helped me take post-divorce, baby steps, towards meeting other women. He said dates put too much pressure on me, so I took his advice, and joined a club. My counseling ended, when I stepped out and made new friends. As Dr. Adams told me, it was important to mourn the loss of a marriage, but it was also important to move forward.
My first trip with the ski club was fun. There were more men than women, but what a great group of people. We skiied, and afterwards, the club had dinner and drinks together, before we boarded the bus home. We laughed the entire way home.
On my next ski trip, I met a couple of new women. They were athletic and fun. I took a few more ski trips, and by my third trip, Anne was becoming a close friend.
Anne loved sports. She invited me to her volleyball match at Sexton Hall, a community sports club in the local area. I enjoyed watching her play. She was competetive and sharp. I realized she was like me. Perhaps, that's why we felt easy with each other. I didn't have to explain myself to her.
Anne and I decided to get married, after we took our first trip together. We drove to Indianapolis to see the Indy 500. It was a great time. I decided she was worth keeping in my life.
Our wedding was small. I didn't want to get married in the same town where I married Janet.
Anne and I decided to get married in Europe. Only a few family members showed up, but it was exciting. Anne had a way of making simple things daring. We toured through nine European countries for our honeymoon. We camped the entire time. Once we took a hot air balloon ride, in the south of France.
I don't have the flame- throwing relationship with Anne, that I had with Janet. Yes, I do still think of Janet, sometimes more than I should. But I can say this: I am peaceful with Anne, in a way I never was with Janet. Anne and I can go anywhere together and have a great time. We go long periods without talking, we can just be together. It's almost like she's another part of me.
Looking back, I am glad, I did not jump into relationships after my divorce. Some of my friends did, and they have gotten divorced again. Some of them drink too much now. It's sad to see. As Dr. Adams told me, after divorce, you have to treat yourself better, not worse. Divorce is hard, but it's also an opportunity, to get to form the relationship with yourself, that might have been missing. When you are missing a relationship with yourself, you put too much pressure on your partner, to recognize who you are.
Janet has become a sweet memory for me. If we hadn't parted, I probably never would have gone back to college. I'm making more money, I have new friends, and Anne and I are still in the ski club. We've got a great social life, and we go a lot of places. Life coudn't be better.
As for Janet, she's been a good mother. She started a preschool. She stays at home, which is her favorite place to be. Nothing wrong with that. She's doing well, and I'm glad for her. However, I can't imagine a life without Anne. It took me getting to know myself, after the divorce, to be able to find her.
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